This is to the female who e-mails me.

This is to the female who e-mails me with almost impossible sexual demands and then becomes angry and aggressive when I don't answer.


The demands of which you ask sound good,
But I just don't think my body could,

Serve you in the manner, of which you ask,
It just seems like such a massive task…

I've even considered all the positions you suggest,
And even made note of the ones you like best,

And I'm sure that last one would keep me fit,
But should I slip then I'm in deep shit.

…and you have a big arse.

I loved that photo of you in the bask,
But I have to pluck up courage to ask,

Maybe if you should wear a fuckin' mask,
Then I might just be up for the fuckin' task.

But let me be honest, I do find you scary,
I've never seen a girl with arms so hairy.

And your knuckles they appear all rough, scratched and sore,
But I guess this is because they drag on the floor.

Well at least with you I wouldn't need to pace,
To stop myself coming I simply glance at your face.

But my penis it would shrivel to the size of a maggot,
And you'd insult me and swear and call me a fagot!

You asked me once if I found you eye-catching,
And I answered that it might help if both eyes were matching.

And it might just help if you have a snip,
To stop your nose reaching your lower lip.

You said in your last mail that you'd 69 me,
Then ride me and screw me and finally blow me.

And although the thought has my little heart beating,
You can still forget us ever meeting!!