Become a profetional Asshole!

I am an asshole.

I"m good at it.

It saves me time, money, and energy. It"s an easy time management technique. If people leave you alone, you don"t have to deal with their shit. I really don"t like people hanging around me, because I largely find 99% of the population to be vapid. So I learned a skill I call "asshole aura".

It"s a useful tool, just don"t let it become a constant part of your personality. Because there are obviously SOME people that are worth your time, energy, and love.

How to do it:

You first need to get some wit. While some say you need to be born with it, I disagree, even the most simple of wrestling jocks can pick up a decent "edge" at any local bar. So go to the bar and listen to the banter of the yokels. Learn to deliver that main skill of the asshole... the back-handed compliment. "Gee, those shoes are nice, I bet they looked great when they were new!"...

Now if you don"t mix this with a helping of malice, you won"t insult enough to make people want to stay away from you. It"s not enough to alienate, you have to completely demoralise in order for this to work.

It"s a delicate balance between the comment and the tonality in which it"s delivered. You"ll know when you"ve got it right when the person you"ve just insulted doesn"t say anything and just stares at you, because to beat your head in would make them look really bad, but what you"ve said isn"t _THAT_ insulting either and/or is actually funny.

Pick on an obvious weakness. If someone has an obviously overinflated opinion of themselves it gets REALLY easy. Wait until they start in with a typical line of their braggadocio drivel and then follow it up with a snide remark pointing out either their hypocrisy or blatant overetimation of themselves. Get"s laughs for you, and makes them the fool. The well-timed joke is the enemy of a pretentious bastard.

Wussys.

Wussys come in all shapes and sizes and want to constantly burden you with their problems. It"s easy to drive them away, offer to help them with some "problem" at a future date and then merely "forget" to do so. Repeat until the wussy finds someone else to burden their problems on.


The Evangelical.

These guys are fun. When they start talking to you about "God" start taking off all your clothes. They"ll stop you at some point in this process in a state of stupification. And simply state that "you can"t talk about God with your clothes on." They"ll do ANYTHING for you to keep your clothes on. One thing they can"t deal with AT ALL is a naked person in broad daylight. It"s just too much. In this case the idea is to get them to shut the fuck up and go away. so make them agree to "Go away and never come back." if you"ll put all your clothes back on.

Feining like you are homosexual and blatantly hitting on the same sex helps as well, but you need to first be comfortable with your own sexuality first. You MIGHT just get results from one of those poor sexually repressed people for some good old-fashioned homo sex.

EXCITING!


How to deal with punk, emo"s, goths, or other "liberal" types.

Act like you love Rush Limbaugh and wish you could have his babies. Proclaim loudly that you like to eat raw red meat by the ground pound and you"re well on your way to sending them back to their depressed little corners of self-pity. If at all possible provide them with directions to the nearest Kleenex and Razorblade outlet store...


How to deal with "conservatives".

Act like you"re a punk/emo/goth who is a lifetime die-hard member of PETA and you have this compulsion to only eat Tofu and granola, and smoke copious amounts of marijuana. A dreadlock wig will help to convince them even further of your "Luberalness". If they still aren"t convinced after all that, just get a t-shirt printed that says "Hillary for President!"... that"ll make for hours of amusement.