Do you hate chainmail letters?

Every few months on the internet, you will come across sincere warnings about Monster Viruses that transfer through your email. Common sense tells you that this is impossible, that a text file is just text and it can't hurt you or your computer. But the warnings claim it can and often add "My system administrator passed this on to me, so it must be true", statements. You begin to doubt your technical knowledge. Don't! The warning itself , IS the "virus": it tricks people into passing it on, endlessly. Here's how I shall deal with it.

LAST "GOODTIMES" VIRUS WARNING. Goodtimeswill re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that aren't even close to your computer. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melt It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television & VCR and use sub-space field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-Aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead cockroach in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work. Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.

It will pour sugar into your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner & hotel room to your Discover card. It will slander your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead or not, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog.

It will leave libidinous messages on your bosses voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mmauve. Goodtimeswill give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methanphedime in your bath tub and leave bacon cooking on your stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.


LISTEN TO ME, GOODTIMES DOES NOT EXIST.
It cannot do anything to you.
But I can. I am sending this message to everyone in the world. Tell your friends, tell your family. If ANYONE sends me another e-mail or ICQ message about this (or any other virus) fake Goodtimes Virus, I will turn them into a religion. I will do things to them that would make a horsehead in their bed look like Easter Sunday brunch.