You cant top a good toper. (what really happend to mannhood)

Whatever happened to the days when a man could be a man? When did we stop playing chin music when a cat cracked wise? How have we lost our right to grab a dame and plant one on the kisser? Just when did we lose our cool?

I know exactly when. It happened when we stepped out of the shadows, dropped our gasper and took off the lid. That's right; men stopped being men when they lost the hat. Sorry, gents, but you just aren't well dressed without that topper. And, civility is stuffed into the back of the closet, with the fedora.

Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, why did Ilsa Lund walk into Rick Blaine's? Would I be pushing it if I suggested that it was his hat? Would Indiana Jones seem half as adventurous without that exquisite covering for his pate? I think not. From firemen, to police officers, a cowboy to chefs, a man's place in this world is known from glancing at his headgear. And believe me, size counts. In fact, a man is never so tall as when he is wearing a chapeau. That necessary accessory turns even a mundane task into an event. Like every other animal in the kingdom, it's the deer with the largest antlers that get the best does. The right headdress can add inches to any frame.

Image is everything. Consider the fact that it is quite often the man with the most height who is elected into office, made the CEO and sought after by the ladies.

A hat is also an item of magic. Any dupe can look like a first class thinker, wearing the right hat. It is as if there must be some great secret hidden in the gray matter, if it is important enough to keep warm; and with such style. If clothes make the man, it is the hat that will carry him to new heights. The hat is to the sexy male, what the high heels are to his female counterpart. A real man may want to die with his boots on; but it's the right hat that will get him bedded for the night with the most fetching filly. Who knows? He who wears the greatest head ornaments may power evolution. Just ask the cowboy or sailor who finds himself in a strange town. He will be keeping someone's bed warm, I can tell you that. Face it…the hat is just plain sexy. Right ladies?

There are a plethora of hats to choose from. Charlie Chaplin championed the Bowler. Clint Eastwood sported the cowboy hat. Johnny Depp can often be seen in a Fedora. There are pointy hats, slouch hats and sun hats. Fred Astaire danced in a top hat. Honest Abe wore the same topper. Even Alice Cooper and Marilyn Manson have gotten in on the act. The Blues Brothers donned the Trilby; proof that the hat adds to cool. How much would the Shadow really know if he was bare of head? In A Clockwork Orange, Alex just would not be Alex without his fetching bowler. Would Cowboy Clint have been able to paint the town red without that cowboy hat on his head? Not with style.

I can stand a man who has bad manners, but not a man who has bad taste. If there is one thing that screams distinction, it's the choice of the right hat. Need to make her laugh? Act the clown in a bowler. Want to sweep her off her feet? Try a five o'clock shadow under a brown Fedora. Feel like bumming around in style? Try a slouch hat, chinstrap and all. Need that little something extra that says, "Bring it on"? Try the hardhat on for size. Just do me this one small favor. Never…under any circumstances call a baseball cap a hat! Caps are for kids. Baseball, stocking or beanie; nothing says I never grew up like a cap. Consider the overgrown boy who, at six feet tall, still wears his baseball cap with brim sticking behind. Hats are for men. That is what gave Robert Mitchum the power to smoke, drink, and cuss, grab the dames and fight like hell and look good doing it. That's right…you never get cancer if you wear your hat while smoking. And it looks cool as hell if you smoke in a shadowed alley, packing heat with a flask of booze, giving an inner monologue about how your heart was broken by a dame with a hot set of wheels…as long as you are wearing the right hat.

So stop walking around naked men, proudly cover your heads with the right attire, and the world will be your oyster.